Midwest Matchup

(Editor's Note: Here at ZA, we're prone to waxing philosphical. But once in a while you need to dig in to the numbers. Luckily, for that we've got the best in the biz, our Chief Intern and CFO, Cap City. Below are the fruits of his labors. Enjoy!)

You know the old saying “April showers bring May Wizards playoff basketball games?” Well, it came true again this year! After a brief five-year hiatus, the Wiz are playing for a chance to get to the Eastern Conference Finals, and unlike their past three appearances they will not have to face Lebron James to get there. Instead we get the Indiana Pacers, the bullies from the big city, one of the best of the Midwest, who somehow tricked their way past the 8-seeded Atlanta Hawks in the first round. To know someone, you must first know where they come from, so here is a brief breakdown on DC and Indianapolis: 

The Sun Also Rises

In the years since Zards ALards! went dark, a lot has changed in the world (and if you're expecting a list of those changes, maybe two serious, one funny-ironic, head to Grantland (just kidding, please don't)). But one thing has remained unwaveringly constant. The Wizzles have sucked.

The degree to which the Zards have sucked is like the enormity of the universe, or the amount of time that has passed since its inception: extremely difficult to comprehend. Let's just say it's been severe and move along. This year's squad ambled out of the gate to a 2-7 start that had many Zards followers contemplating the void. Even after they rebounded, first to 9-9, later to 24-23 (going over .500 for the first time in John Wall's career. 238 games!), they rarely impressed. They stayed the Wiz as we've known them for the past six years. Uneven. Inconsistent. Frustrating. Occasionally rage-inducing.

Then the playoffs started. And friends, it has been a happy time.

So Are We Good Now?

ZARDS PRE TRADE / ZARDS POST TRADE

Record: 10-34 (.227) / 2-5 (.286)

Analysis: Winning isn't everything

Offensive Rating: 100 (29th) / 101.2 (25th)

Analysis: Improvement is improvement

Defensive Rating: 108.9 (29th) / 98.4 (2nd) 

Analysis: JFDKLJKL:DJKL:FDHJKLHFDJK!!!!

Net +/-: -8.9 (29th) / +2.8 (8th)

Analysis: If you are not the Bulls, Thunder, Sixers, Heat, Lakers, Spurs, or Pacers, we are better than you

FINAL ANALYSIS: Suck it NBA, here come the ZARDS!