May 4, 2011


Zards ALards! The playoffs are here, and the Wiz just missed getting an invite. But let's take a cue from Andray Blatche and put aside those painful memories for now. Dray's suggestion? Lapdance Tuesdays!

Oh Andray. So full of life.

In case you missed Lapdance Tuesdays, there's still the rest of the playoffs to look forward to. In the East, the Bulls have their hands full with a Hawks team that refuses to acknowledge how much they suck. After beating Orlando by putting Jason Collins on Dwight Howard, Atlanta exposed Chicago's vaunted defense in Game 1 by shooting one long, contested jump shot after another. If that last sentence seemed stupid, it was!

Meanwhile in Miami, Lebron and Dwyane have sucked most of the tension out of Celtics-Heat, which was supposed to be the grudge match of the century. Instead they're sending Boston wheezing to the retirement home, while Chris Bosh congratulates himself on getting the hell out of Toronto. But if the Celtics can use the Garden mystique to even the series at 2-2, the pressure on the Heat will reach exquisite heights.

Out West, things are spicier. The Lakers dropped game one to the Mavericks, and everyone silently agreed it's okay to acknowledge that Dirk is now better than Kobe. Watching Kobe age is riveting. The proudest man in sports, forced to heed his mortality or go home empty handed. Shakespeare would be courtside!

The other Western matchup, Thunder-Grizzlies, is, in a word, awesome. As you probably know, many observers say things only clicked for the Grizzlies after Tony Allen beat O.J. Mayo senseless on a team plane flight. Tony explains: "No one should have any reason to come to me in a disrespectful manner. I’m respected as a man. But before you cross that line, just know there’s a button to be pushed. And I wouldn’t advise you to push it." The Thunder will push that button!

Now that we're caught up, expect more commentary and analysis from ZA's all-star squad of analysts and commentators going forward. Our goal: to lead the league in deep thoughts provoked, laughs per reference, and irrelevant Wizards mentioned. So come along as we slip midstream into the thus-far astounding 2011 NBA Playoffs.

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